Who am I? Motherhood, community and identity
One of the recurring conversations I have been having with other mum's to be and new mum's is what an enormous identity shift becoming a parent, and a mother, is, particularly for a generation that has in many cases waited to have children while they studied, trained, and established themselves in professions.
I suspect this is more true of the Rabbinate, but I know it is not unique to it; that our vocations and careers come to form a huge part of who we are.
When I was researching Regina Jonas, the first woman Rabbi in 1930's Germany for Great Reform Lives I was fascinated to discover that Jonas believed you couldn't be both a Rabbi and a wife, but had to choose. Of course this was very much the attitude of the day when women's jobs ended on their wedding days. There are also very real reasons as to why the two might be seen as incompatible (although of course few would say it was for a male Rabbi who works several nights a week and is on call despite his family).
There are certainly challenges in making both parts of our lives a reality, although as these Ima's on the Bimah point out, there is also a huge amount to be gained. Of course not all women rabbis do have children, and many men also struggle to find the right work and family balance: I remember being surprised to learn how grateful a male colleague was to women rabbis for shifting communal expectations of what might reasonably be expected of all rabbis, not just mums, in terms of maintaining a family life and committing fully to a community.
Nonetheless, for a good 3 or 4 months of this pregnancy I certainly found myself fretting over how one maintains ones identity as a rabbi, a role built in many ways on relationships, and be a good mum. Watching colleagues manage this in recent years has certainly been an inspiration and help, but ultimately as 9 months has rapidly approached, the realisation that this will just happen and we will figure it out has been stronger and stronger. I may well be a different rabbi for experiencing motherhood, and I may be a particular kind of mum because I'm a rabbi (indeed my rabbinate is such a huge part of my life that one cannot really separate the two as one must be both authentically you and authentically a rabbi and the two for me are inseparable in many ways).
Ultimately I hope to find the positives that being part of a community, and part of a family, bring. The two need not be mutually exclusive I hope, and I know that there are benefits to being a rabbi over and above other careers, where children really can have no part to play. Several times in recent weeks I've heard the phrase 'it takes a village to raise a child' and I know that the communal village around me will be a support, as I hope I have and will supported others within it. We can't always have our cake and eat it, but we also need to find the positives, and realise the blessings around us, rather than worry about the potential losses these huge changes in life inevitably bring.
I suspect this is more true of the Rabbinate, but I know it is not unique to it; that our vocations and careers come to form a huge part of who we are.
When I was researching Regina Jonas, the first woman Rabbi in 1930's Germany for Great Reform Lives I was fascinated to discover that Jonas believed you couldn't be both a Rabbi and a wife, but had to choose. Of course this was very much the attitude of the day when women's jobs ended on their wedding days. There are also very real reasons as to why the two might be seen as incompatible (although of course few would say it was for a male Rabbi who works several nights a week and is on call despite his family).
There are certainly challenges in making both parts of our lives a reality, although as these Ima's on the Bimah point out, there is also a huge amount to be gained. Of course not all women rabbis do have children, and many men also struggle to find the right work and family balance: I remember being surprised to learn how grateful a male colleague was to women rabbis for shifting communal expectations of what might reasonably be expected of all rabbis, not just mums, in terms of maintaining a family life and committing fully to a community.
Nonetheless, for a good 3 or 4 months of this pregnancy I certainly found myself fretting over how one maintains ones identity as a rabbi, a role built in many ways on relationships, and be a good mum. Watching colleagues manage this in recent years has certainly been an inspiration and help, but ultimately as 9 months has rapidly approached, the realisation that this will just happen and we will figure it out has been stronger and stronger. I may well be a different rabbi for experiencing motherhood, and I may be a particular kind of mum because I'm a rabbi (indeed my rabbinate is such a huge part of my life that one cannot really separate the two as one must be both authentically you and authentically a rabbi and the two for me are inseparable in many ways).
Ultimately I hope to find the positives that being part of a community, and part of a family, bring. The two need not be mutually exclusive I hope, and I know that there are benefits to being a rabbi over and above other careers, where children really can have no part to play. Several times in recent weeks I've heard the phrase 'it takes a village to raise a child' and I know that the communal village around me will be a support, as I hope I have and will supported others within it. We can't always have our cake and eat it, but we also need to find the positives, and realise the blessings around us, rather than worry about the potential losses these huge changes in life inevitably bring.
Brilliant Piece
ReplyDeleteMazal tov Debbie! and welcome to the world, Eliana Ester
ReplyDeleteHi Rabbi Young-Somers,
ReplyDeleteA keen reader of your blog I am also a recent graduate from the SOAS MA in Gender Studies specialising in the study of women who are both raising children and working.
The following sentences of the above post really stay with me:
"... how one maintains ones identity as a rabbi, a role built in many ways on relationships, and be a good mum. [...] I may be a particular kind of mum because I'm a rabbi (indeed my rabbinate is such a huge part of my life that one cannot really separate the two as one must be both authentically you and authentically a rabbi and the two for me are inseparable in many ways)."
As I move towards PhD research I feel your post has prompted a new avenue of discussion in the field of women and the workplace - religious leaders - an under-represented demographic! I was wondering if you would consider being interviewed (in person or in email) in contribution towards this work.
Of course, as a new mother I understand if you have every hour occupied. Most importantly keep well, and thank you for your blog. I always get rush of cheer when I get a new post alert, so thank you.
Emily
(emily.barrass.chapman@gmail.com)